I’m wondering what I’m doing here. I’m realizing I’m nowhere near as capable as I thought I was and my success in high school meant nothing. Yes, I was good at a lot of my classes, but I never saw what I wasn’t good at. I never had a chance to notice where I actually have trouble.
College is something completely new for me. Last semester, I got so caught up in my depression that I failed to see how bad things were for me. I was in a new environment with this whole new style to it that I’m completely unfamiliar with. Professors aren’t like teachers; they don’t hold your hand the whole time. Class is just a push in the right direction for self study. As much as I felt like I wasn’t actually doing anything in high school, I never realized how much I was relying on the actual teaching and the teachers making us practice right in front of them. I don’t have that now and now I’m really starting to feel it. I was good at working in high school, but I have no idea how to go about independent learning.
I’m also realizing the actual negative effects of my autism. I don’t know if I really have executive dysfunction or if it’s something else, but there is just too much work. I always thought not knowing my diagnosis helped me adapt to having to live like everyone else, but I’m realizing K-12 schooling just happened to work out for me so I’d never have too much trouble.
I’m also wondering if I’m actually capable of going through my major. I was finally in something I wanted to do, but the work is piling up. Just the 3 education courses alone are making things far too difficult for me to get things done and my entire focus on them is taking away from the music, which I’ve realized I’ve been losing my motivation for anyway.
When I graduated high school, I thought I should take a year break because I figured it might help. I was convinced otherwise and now I’m wondering if I should have just stuck with my gut. I think I really needed that one year off to just pull my life together and figure out what I’m actually doing here. I thought I was sure, but things have been proving otherwise.
I’m not giving up on school yet. I do, however, think I’m in the wrong place. I like Rowan, but the academic style isn’t right for me. I think I might actually have to transfer to a school better suited to what I need. Turns out there’s a lot more to college than just what degrees they offer.
I’ve been avoiding talking to my parents about this stress because I figured I’d just get the whole “brush it off, you’re going to have to eventually” lecture. At this point, I’m sure I have no choice. At this point, leaving them out of the loop is only going to make things worse for me.
I gave up a few days ago and finally went for counseling services. I never thought I needed accommodations, but I don’t see any other option for me at this point.
I can’t do the education program. I’m going to have to up my audition repertoire so I can get into the performance major. It’s my only option.
For now, I need to do this paper so I can at least get through the semester without screwing up my chances for any success at all.